Everyone has been telling us how strong we've been.
I guess I'm unsure how we were supposed to be. Who has time to cry? I let myself shed a few tears alone in the parking garage, but I had to get it together and go feed my baby.
I didn't fall apart because I didn't have that luxury. I didn't break down and cry because it wouldn't have done me or him any good. I needed his environment to be calm and secure more than I needed to indulge in my deep fears. All I cared about was being positive and calm, that's what my precious fearful boy needed.
I have been religious my entire life, I grew up in a small church and those values have steered me every step of the way. That faith allowed me to believe that everything would be ok. I prayed constantly for peace, acceptance of God's will and calm. It's very hard not to ask for what you want, but it was more important to me to feel calm and prepared than to ask for healing that might not have been a part of God's plan. I feel like we were truly walking by faith. We had no control, so we prayed.
If you've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster," let me tell you, I've been on one. We went from, "large mass" to "brain surgery" to "all clear" (with lots of waiting in between) in less than a week, there really aren't much higher highs or lower lows.
I still sit and wonder if it all really happened. Did we really go through all of that? The shock is overwhelming. I can tell you a list of emotions I've felt, but numb might be the top one. Calm. Determined. Shocked. Scared. Sad. Elated. Probably the entire spectrum.