Emotions

Everyone has been telling us how strong we've been.

I guess I'm unsure how we were supposed to be. Who has time to cry? I let myself shed a few tears alone in the parking garage, but I had to get it together and go feed my baby.

I didn't fall apart because I didn't have that luxury. I didn't break down and cry because it wouldn't have done me or him any good. I needed his environment to be calm and secure more than I needed to indulge in my deep fears. All I cared about was being positive and calm, that's what my precious fearful boy needed.

I have been religious my entire life, I grew up in a small church and those values have steered me every step of the way. That faith allowed me to believe that everything would be ok. I prayed constantly for peace, acceptance of God's will and calm. It's very hard not to ask for what you want, but it was more important to me to feel calm and prepared than to ask for healing that might not have been a part of God's plan. I feel like we were truly walking by faith. We had no control, so we prayed.

If you've ever used the phrase "emotional roller coaster," let me tell you, I've been on one. We went from, "large mass" to "brain surgery" to "all clear" (with lots of waiting in between) in less than a week, there really aren't much higher highs or lower lows.

I still sit and wonder if it all really happened. Did we really go through all of that? The shock is overwhelming. I can tell you a list of emotions I've felt, but numb might be the top one. Calm. Determined. Shocked. Scared. Sad. Elated. Probably the entire spectrum.

Hospital Timeline

We were admitted Monday night, unsure of our future but certain that Archer would have an MRI Tuesday morning. It was a restless night for all of us, but especially him.

Tuesday morning came early, 4:30 for he and I and brought a neuro surgery team. There were 4 or 5 of them. They addressed Chance and I, didn't introduce themselves to Archer, and told us surgery would be at 9 the next morning. He went down for his MRI soon after, and we waited for results all day. We didn't hear anything.

Tuesday night was sleepless for me, wondering and worrying. The MRI would determine if the spinal column was clear and it was frustrating to know that someone had the answer to that question and they weren't telling us.

Wednesday morning came early again, the 4 am vitals check woke him for the second day in a row. Around 8 the neuro team came in again, after my family arrived and showed us an MRI of a very large tumor above the left ear, spinal column was clear. My first little breath.

They took us back to holding before surgery soon and our little guy was too quickly being pried off of me and taken into surgery. The wait began. It was estimated at 6 hours.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by family and close friends. It was an amazing feeling, knowing that so many people cared so much for us to sit vigil while we waited for news.

Less than 4 hours later the nurse called. Her voice was neutral when she said, "They're closing up, if you want to go to the third floor Dr Gross will be in to talk to you." My stomach dropped. It was too soon. She didn't say anything positive. She didn't say he was stable, she didn't say it went well.

Chance and I went down stairs to wait. It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Then the doctor walks in with a smile and I breathed in for the first time in hours. The tumor was out, my baby was fine, she believes it's benign. Relief flooded through me and Chance says I exploded verbally. I felt it happening, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to ask, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to change her mind.

We were allowed to go into recovery one at a time. He was crying when I got in there, and that was a helpless feeling. He was so afraid and I just wanted to get in bed with him and hold him. I was scared too. He looked different and had this scary incision mark and I couldn't help.

I followed him up to the PICU and then we waited again. Waited for him to wake up and be well enough to move to a regular room.

He didn't really wake until late that night. He was in pain and he was upset. He was scared of the nurses and doctors. He flinched when they came in. We got no rest.

Thursday brought another MRI and a move back to a regular room. The second MRI was clear, the doctor had gotten the entire tumor out. I breathed again.

We had more visitors that night, and he seemed to be doing ok. Then Chance decided he was running a fever and he had to go home. Archer slept very little and jumped like he was falling every time he went to sleep. I slept at the foot of his bed because he needed me close and I was afraid of hurting him.

On Friday the swelling became worse. He withdrew, his speech was affected and he was scared to pee. His pain seemed low, and he was only taking Tylenol. He had lots of visitors, but he wasn't interactive. The physical therapist came and brought a wheel chair for him to tour around in She made him walk from his chair to me and sit in my lap out of bed. He still hadn't eaten and they wanted him to eat something. He decided he would rather climb out of the chair with me than eat. It made me giggle because he said "Go away." to his tray and pushed it. Then he started sliding out of my lap in an effort to get in bed. Then he told me to go away because he didn't want me telling him to eat. The speech path came by and checked his swallow, which seemed normal. He just needed to eat. Later that day he said he was hungry, he just couldn't find the words to tell me what he wanted. I made a picture album on his iPad so he could point to some food items, still nothing. Chance's cousin came by that night with his favorite kind of apple sauce. I had tried a similar one early in the day, but it wasn't our normal brand.

Saturday Chance came back, bringing more applesauce. We had tons of visitors bring every food imaginable, but all he wanted was the GoGo Squeeze applesauce. By 6pm he had eaten a small box of them and tried a few other things. My cousin went for more. That night he was still having a hard time expressing his needs and he was still in constant fear of moving his IV arm and the nurses.

Sunday morning was the best. He ate his breakfast, drank some milk, had a few bites of eggs and biscuit. And more applesauce. When the doctors came by they said they saw no reason why he couldn't go home. We were ecstatic. We got some lunch and waited for my family to bring Foster and help us load everything we had accumulated. His speech was slowly improving and he was getting up more.

It was the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the emotional side of this timeline.

February 4th 2013

Today the bottom of my world fell out from underneath my feet.

After weeks of him just not quite being himself, we took our oldest son to the emergency room at Children's hospital for some tests. We were triaged in quickly and within two hours had a ct scan and terrible news.

He has a large mass on the left side of his brain. We don't know anything else at this point.

I feel as though someone punched me in the stomach. Hard. I don't want this for my little guy. I want him to grow to be big and strong and not have to deal with this pain and fear. I want him to be happy and healthy.

I am so scared. How do you tell other people that your baby has something like this happening? How do you recover? I'm so heartbroken and sad, but I know more than anything he needs a strong happy momma. So that's what I'll be for him.

(Write's note: I wrote this Monday night at the hospital, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew before I shared it.)

Letter to my Nanny, 2013

Dear Nanny,

It's been six years now. When I wrote my letter last year, I had so much to update you about, and here we are again with so much more.

I've thought of you so much this year. I wished you were here much more frequently than ever before. There have been so many changes and so many new things that I really wish you were here for me to call and get advice or just come sit and talk.

Archer started pre-k in August. It reminds me so much of the things we used to practice in my little red and white striped notebook you made. I still have it. I still have the book you taught me to read from. I'm hoping that next year I'll be able to practice with Archer too.

We had a new baby in September. His name is Foster Elias. I have loved the name Elias since the days we used to work on genealogy stuff together. His room is now your old room. I wish you were here to just sit and hold him so I could do something other than sit and hold him myself. He loves to snuggle and I know you would love it too.

We were saddened this year that your big brother went to Heaven to be with you, but I can only imagine the glorious reunion you all had. I can just see you all sitting around a big kitchen table enjoying each other's company. I wish that reunion was happening here, but I hope that we're making those same memories for our kiddos down here.

I'll keep it short this year, but just know that you are so missed. By all of us. Especially the ones who don't know what they're missing.

143
Sally

Christmas Shopping

Is anyone else overwhelmed? Every time I think I'm done I remember something else.

We have everything for 5/8 nieces and nephews. Archer is done. Foster might need a few more things. I have stocking stuffers for my mom's and grandpa's but not for home.

I have half the presents for my grandpas. I just feel like there's too many things to buy and not enough money. lol

I'm definitely still working on shopping but it feels like the mountain of presents is rapidly growing.

December update

I'm updating on the status of our lives today. That's about all I have time for between family and photography.

Chance is still not working. Still looking, but in the mean time he's keeping busy at home. He's doing an excellent job taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, and hobbying. He's taken up reloading.

Archer is doing great in school. He tries really hard to stay on green and be good. He's learning every day. He can spot letters he knows (a, c, k, p, r and a few others) and is always asking whose name starts with what letter or sound. He's almost 40 pounds and is 42.5 inches.

Foster is growing like a weed. He was 11 weeks Thursday. He's 14 lbs and 22 inches. He started wearing 3-6 month clothes and size 2 diapers at the end of October. He holds his head up and looks all over the place. We're still nursing and supplementing. He's definitely a comfort nurser and some days he refuses to take more than 2 oz so he can nurse instead.

And I'm still here too. I'm doing about 2 photo sessions a week on average, some weeks more, some weeks less. I'm tired a lot. lol He nurses most of the night.

Life is good. We're gearing up for Christmas with our elf Star, the tree is up, stockings are hung. Now I need to find a few spare moments to wrap some presents.

Have a TREAT on us

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:) Enjoy

Thankful Day 16

Archer went to pre-kindergarten this year. I was ready for it, then I wasn't, some days I'm still not and wish he could stay home with me. I think he feels the same way. I think we both know it's better for him to spend time at school so we don't make each other crazy. :)

But today I had Thanksgiving dinner with him at school. Well, he ate (a little) and I sat with him. It was fun and I am so thankful for the chance to do that. Thankful for the time with him. It was so surreal to me to watch this little guy carrying his lunch tray in a cafeteria. I just knew he would need help or wouldn't remember what to do, but he did such a good job. I was proud and sad at the same time. He really didn't need my help.

He's going to get his own day, but really, I'm so thankful for the memories we made today.

Thankful Day 15

Last night I told Chance I was starving for hot wings and he immediately suggested I go to the store and get stuff to make them. Instead I suggested we have them for dinner tonight.

I had tried hot wings before, but they didn't play a major role in my life until Chance met his friend Jeremiah. It was a kind of fate thing I think. Chance didn't really have any friends and Jeremiah had just moved to Oklahoma with his girlfriend and found a construction job with Chance and my dad. They really clicked at work, and like usual I had to push Chance to have a friend. (He's not good at it, he knows it)

After we hung out for the first time, it was set. He and his girlfriend lived close enough that we could spend time with them fairly often. They were close to our age and she had a daughter so they weren't into partying like most people our age. We had a lot of fun. And some craziness.

But that was 2006 and six years later I still miss the good old days. I messaged Jeremiah the other night, first on how to make the hot sauce and then to tell him that we missed him. He came to visit this past winter and we visited him last spring. Maybe we'll get to go up this summer, doubtful but I'm not giving up hope. :)

So today, I'm feeling a little sentimental and am very thankful Chance met him and the fun times we had together. Thankful for friends.

Thankful Day 14

I've talked a lot about my mom's family. That's mostly because I spent most of my time with them. My dad's mom lived in New Mexico until I was 9 or 10 and his siblings were all scattered too.

My dad's dad and my step-grandma were close and I have lots of memories in their cafe. Working there one summer was my very first job and it was actually really enjoyable. It felt good to do something productive and spend time with my family as well.

I also have lots of uncles on my dad's side as well. My dad's older brother has a son my age and so has always been pretty involved in my life. We went on our first real family vacation with them and I still laugh at the pictures.

Even though I spent a lot more time with my mom's family, I still love and appreciate my dad's family too. Today I'm thankful for them. Happy Birthday Uncle Rick!

Thankful Day 13

This is going to seem really silly, but today I'm thankful for Facebook. I warned you.

But all those cousins I talked about? Well only a few live nearby. The rest range from an hour away to 20 hours away, but I still am able to keep up with their lives, interact with them, and feel even a little bit of those old days because of Facebook. One cousin (who is like an uncle)'s ex wife is one of my biggest fans on facebook and I love her just as much now as I did as a child.

I also met this really awesome group of women when I was pregnant with Archer and I've been able to not only keep up with them, but develop a true friendship with so many of them. I don't question sharing my life with them because we have been friends for nearly 5 years now. I've met several and would love to meet all of them. I have constant companions, all I need is an internet connection.

So thanks Mark, for stealing the idea from those Winklevosses.

Thankful Day 12

As a result of all those aunts and uncles, I'm so very blessed with a huge extended family and lots of cousins.

I can remember having holidays at my Nanny and Poppy's house. There would be at least 25 people packed into this tiny house, but I never remember feeling like it was too small. It was home.

These cousins would pile in from all over the state and we would play for several days until everyone had to go to work. I will never forget Thanksgiving and Christmas with them.

So I'm thankful, not only for the memories but for the people and the love as well.

Thankful Day 11

Today I am thankful or the many aunts and uncles God has given me.

I grew up with amazing grandparents, but I also had their siblings as well. My Nanny had 4 brothers who were all like extra grandfathers and the two aunts I had were exactly the same. Recently the final of my Nanny's living sibling passed away and it was such bittersweet news. Sad because he was no longer here with us, but so glorious because he was reunited with his parents and siblings.

He was an amazing man, I've never met a single person who didn't love him deeply. He could always be counted on for an excellent story and a smile. And more than all of that, he married the sweetest woman a man could ask for. She cared for him to the very end, after 4 battles with cancer and I'm so blessed to have her in my life too.

These people set an amazing example for my mothers sisters. I grew up with two extra houses, I was always welcome, and accepted their invitations frequently. I even had my own key for years (until I lost it eek!).

So today, I'm so very thankful for my aunts and uncles.

Thankful Day 10

Today I'm thankful for my Nanny and Poppy. I grew up living a quarter mile from my grandparents and they have made a lasting impression on my life.

While my mom worked, I went to their house instead of day care. I was spoiled, taught manners and politeness, I learned how to read and write before school, l learned how to use a computer and I learned what unconditional love was.

I miss my Nanny so much. I'm sad that she can't be here to snuggle my babies, to listen to Archer's silly stories and just be a part of our lives. But I'm so grateful she taught me how to love and set the example for how I should treat my children. We sing her songs all the time and I know a part of her will always be with me.

Today is my Poppy's 73 birthday and I'm so grateful he's still with us. I'm grateful he's still healthy and able to spend his Sundays with us.

Thankful Day 9

Today,  as I help my husband prepare Thanksgiving dinner to share with his family I'm thankful for that which the pilgrims were thankful for, abundance. We don't have much right now, but we have so much more than many others and I wanted to take a moment to recognize that.

Archer tried to tell me the other day that he was just starving so I sat down with him and explained what starving really meant. I told him about little boys who go to bed with empty tummies because their mommy can't buy food for them and I think it nearly broke both of our hearts. I'm SO thankful that my boys have enough, more than enough, but enough. I cannot imagine sending them to bed hungry or seeing their hungry little faces all day.

Today I'm humbled at the thought and so thankful that my children are provided for and taken care of so that they don't have to know what it means to go without.